101 Rules of How to Survive Arkham Asylum
by LokiLaufeyson909
Summary: These important rules will teach you how to NOT get into any trouble with Gotham's rouges gallery.


**How to Survive Arkham Asylum**

Disclaimer: I do not own Batman or any of his villains

1\. Never ever ask the Joker to do or say anything funny, it will likely result in your death

2\. If you're blond and get invited to tea, decline immediately, no matter how rude it may seem

3\. Don't make fun of Killer Croc's condition, you'll end up as his lunch

4\. Rule 3 also applies for Mr. Freeze and Clayface, minus the lunch part

5\. For whatever reason, don't try and flirt with or insult Joker, Harley won't forgive you that easily

6\. Kindly refrain from taking Two-Face's coin

7\. Don't attend horror movies with Scarecrow, or try to not show fear around him, it never works and both will end badly

8\. Never bring plant killers or anything related to it unless you want Poison Ivy to get you

9\. Don't try to cheer up Scarecrow, you'll be his next test subject, which will make him happy

10\. Don't talk about Nora in front of Mr. Freeze

11\. In fact, don't even mention her at all

12\. Don't bring anything chemically related to Scarecrow or Joker, they might use it to their own advantage

13\. Do not for any reason, place their chemicals in spray cans, you'll get fired

14\. Rules 12 and 13 also apply for Bane as well

15\. Rule 13 also includes the TITAN drug

16\. Don't play any shooting games with Deadshot, you could be the target

17\. Do not call Harley a "dumb blonde", she's not even a real blonde so jokes on you

18\. Kindly refrain from referencing Batman or Robin or anyone related to the Bat family, that situation would end poorly for you

19\. Don't insult Lewis Carol or his book _Alice in Wonderland_ near the Mad Hatter

20\. If you're a blonde and named Alice, the Mad Hatter will find out

21\. Please don't do anything stupid or make any suicidal attempts, the rogues will only encourage you

22\. Don't play games with the Joker

23\. No insulting birds around Penguin, or trying to swindle from him, it won't be pretty

24\. If you see Killer Croc, don't ask him what's wrong with him; ties into rule 3

25\. Refrain from making mummy jokes around Hush

26\. Rule 25 also applies to Killer Croc but instead of mummy jokes it will be Peter Pan jokes this time

27\. Please do not reference the Joker around Mr. Sickle, Mr. Hammer could find out or worse, the Joker himself

28\. Please do not make any zombie imitations or Frankenstein gestures around Solomon Grundy, he won't appreciate it

29\. If you somehow get trapped in a room with Two-Face, pray that he's in a good mood or else your life will depend on a simple coin toss

30\. Don't try to talk about fear with Scarecrow, he'll only graphically show you by using you as the example

31\. For reasons, don't try to challenge or be the superior intellect of the Riddler, you'll probably die trying

32\. If Poison Ivy wishes to show you her plants, kindly say no and leave immediately

33\. If Scarecrow wishes to demonstrate his knowledge of fear, also leave immediately

34\. And if Joker wishes to show you how to have a laugh once in a while, get back up ASAP, leaving would be very difficult in the Joker's case

35\. Don't try to contradict Harley's claim that "Mr. J" loves her, she'll keep denying the truth

36\. Refrain from speaking about Two-Face's scarred face

37\. If Killer Croc finds you, hope that he isn't hungry or that Batman is right behind him

38\. Don't ask Killer Croc what people taste like, that'll only make him wonder what YOU taste like

39\. Do not attempt to smuggle things from Catwoman

40\. Do not take Scarface away from the Ventriloquist, he needs him

41\. Scarface is very temperamental and it is advised to not get him mad or annoyed

42\. Don't insult Scarecrow's or the Riddler's intellect, they'll find out and show you who's boss

43\. It is highly advised to not disrupt areas where "rare" plants grow, especially if Poison Ivy is near by

44\. Never try to get a free ride by jumping onto Man-Bat's back, he won't stop freaking out until you're thrown off

45\. Don't change the climate conditions of Mr. Freeze's cell in in Arkham Asylum

46\. Please refrain from taking or making fun of Black Mask's mask, no matter how funny or cool it looks

47\. Don't touch Bane's venom, or try to see if it too makes you look strong and tough

48\. Always treat Killer Croc kindly, even if he decides to eat you; ties into rules 3 and 25

49\. Don't try to think that you're better than the other villains, they won't appreciate it

50\. It is recommended that you do not make short jokes around the Penguin, that will make him mad

51\. If you're with Batman talking about the rogues, pray that they don't hear

52\. Do not attempt to or succeed in killing Batman, the Joker won't be happy

53\. Don't make fun of or imitate the rogues

54\. Refrain from making fun of Poison Ivy's love of plants

55\. If you make deals with Two-Face, they may be two-sided, so don't

56\. Do not think Bane will help solve your problems with fighting other people

57\. Never ever try to race Cheetah, she will always win

58\. Don't try a swimming race with Killer Croc, he'll get too comfortable and might eat you

59\. Always wear a gas mask around Scarecrow

60\. If Harley Quinn is nearby, don't mention Joker, she'll most likely become jealous

61\. Please refrain from stealing from the Penguin

62\. Also refrain from touching Scarecrow's fear toxin

63\. And under no circumstances should you touch Poison Ivy's precious plants

64\. Do not try to fight Ra's Al Ghul, you'll wish you hadn't

65\. Do not try to STOP Ra's Al Ghul's plans, he won't appreciate it

66\. If Ra's tries to make you his successor, run for the hills immediately

67\. Do not let the Mad Hatter place his mind controlling headgear on you (ex: hats, etc.)

68\. Don't touch Mad Hatter's mind control devices either, that will make him mad

69\. Please don't try to outmatch the other villains, they've had much more experience then you

70\. If you do go against them, come super prepared, some of them pack a punch

71\. If Scarecrow needs help, say no, "help" is just a code name for test subject

72\. Do try to avoid the Joker completely

73\. But if the Joker finds you, make sure that you have a backup plan

74\. Rules 72 and 73 also apply for Killer Croc, Scarecrow and Bane

75\. Don't challenge these criminals either to a fight of strength or intellect in Scarecrow's case

76\. It's ok to bring scary novels to Scarecrow, but not movies

77\. Do not flirt with Batman around Catwoman, she'll get you for that

78\. Do not mention Two-Face's accident to him, he'll show you what an accident is

79\. Please do not use the TITAN drug for fighting other villains

80\. Don't even mention it to them at all

81\. Refrain from trying to count Victor Zsasz's tally marks, you'll be the new addition

82\. Do not try to recreate them either, no matter how awesome they look

83\. Do not attempt one of the Riddler's riddles, even if Batman is around

84\. If you are looking for Clayface, don't even try

85\. If any mob boss comes looking for you, go find Batman

86\. Don't think that it's a smart idea to sell any of Scarecrow's, Bane's or Joker's drugs/gases

87\. Always be aware of everything that's happening around you when Joker is around

88\. Speaking of Joker, don't do anything stupid around him

89\. Don't try to harm or kill Joker if Harley is nearby, she'll only want to avenge his death

90\. In fact, it's probably a suicide mission to go after the Joker so please don't even try

91\. Do not go into the sewers unless you want to find Killer Croc

92\. Please try not to play with Mr. Freeze's weapons, even if it is fun to freeze things that will only make him upset with you

93\. Do not try to use cryogenics, you could end up like Mr. Freeze

94\. Unless you're a professional, don't try to cure the rogues, they might kill you

95\. Don't mention Aaron Cash to Killer Croc, eating you and him will be his next priority

96\. Do not bring up backstories to the rogues, most of them will get you for that

97\. Just don't bring up meat or food around Killer Croc

98\. Do not ask Joker where he got his scars from, the story will always change and he'll attempt to try it on you

99\. In fact, don't _make_ any promises or deals with Joker

100\. Please stay away from Professor Pyg, unless you want to be made "perfect" in the most painful way possible

101\. UNLESS YOU'RE BATMAN, DO NOT EVER TRY TO TAKE ON THE ROGUES, THEY ARE ALL DANGEROUS IN THEIR OWN WAY AND YOUR ATTEMPS WILL EITHER COST YOU YOUR SANITY OR YOUR LIFE


End file.
